relationships problems

Self Sabotaging Relationships: How to Heal Them

Do you know one of the most powerful self-sabotaging relationships quotes? “You can’t have a healthy relationship if you’re constantly sabotaging it with your own insecurities.” – said Steve Maraboli, author of motivating books. What does self-sabotaging relationships mean? It is similar to a weird cycle where things are going well, but then… We suddenly mess things up for ourselves. And only one question pops up in our heads: “Why, oh why?!”. But stay calm; we’ll help you cope with it. Let’s break those patterns and level up our relationships!

✍️ Self-Sabotaging Meaning in Relationships

So, “What is self-sabotaging relationships?”. You know, there are times when we unintentionally harm our relationships without realizing it 🙈! It’s called “self sabotage “. It refers to the actions we take that hinder the happiness and growth of our relationship. Furthermore, it’s like being our obstacle when it comes to love! We engage in behavior without thought, only to then question why things aren’t going as smoothly as they should. Let’s be mindful of these moments of self sabotage and ensure that we don’t undermine ourselves in the process!

💔 Self Sabotaging in Relationships: Top 6 Signs

We all want our love lives to be like a fairy tale. But there are instances when we unintentionally hinder our progress. Therefore, let’s explore the six signs of self-sabotaging relationships and discover ways to liberate ourselves from these patterns!

🚫 Running from commitment

Do you ever notice how sometimes, when things start getting serious in a relationship, we have anxiety and self-sabotaging relationships start. Do we have second thoughts? Yes, that’s the old fear of commitment. This fear can be a sneaky little devil that messes with our heads. I understand that you desire a connection yet simultaneously fear the pain that comes with it, correct? It’s completely natural to feel this way. The important thing is to recognize and confront that fear, allowing yourself to work through it. Once you take this step, you’ll be on the path towards experiencing a committed relationship.

⚖️ Balance, what’s that?

One more of the self-sabotaging relationships signs. Finding the right balance in a relationship can be tricky. Sometimes, we’re so focused on giving our all to our partner that we forget to take care of ourselves. Then, if we withhold too much, we become distant and emotionally unavailable. So, finding that sweet spot where we give and receive love in a healthy way is key. 

💔 Pushing love away

It’s like an annoying little voice in our heads that tells us we don’t deserve the good things, right? But, that voice is a big, fat liar! You absolutely deserve love and happiness, no doubt about it. Don’t allow poor self-esteem ruin the wonderful fortune that comes your way. Accept and cherish all the affection that comes your way. You are worthy, and don’t allow anyone or anything to convince you otherwise.

🧠 Overthinking everything

Overthinking might be added to the self-sabotaging relationships signs. Our minds can be real troublemakers sometimes, especially when we start overthinking every step. But here’s the thing – we have to keep the communication lines wide open with our partner. Sharing our thoughts and feelings is key to keeping our sanity intact. When we talk things out, we prevent ourselves from getting all lost in our heads and depression self-sabotaging relationships. So, whenever those pesky overthinking thoughts come, we’ll remember to talk them out with our partner. 

🛡️ Building walls of defense

Past hurts can create invisible walls around our hearts, keeping potential love at arm’s length. We might put up emotional barriers to protect ourselves, but they can also keep us from experiencing beautiful connections. Look out for signs of self-sabotaging relationships, like fearing intimacy, pushing away caring partners, or messing up happy moments. Opening up and being vulnerable can be scary, but it’s a leap worth taking.

🚦 Red light, green light

Do you sometimes find yourself second-guessing your partner’s feelings or intentions? Not sometimes, but often? One moment, you see the green lights, and the next, you slow everything down. Such self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships can lead you to parting with your beloved one.

Consider the following self-sabotaging relationships examples:

  1. “Constant accuser”. Picture this: one partner keeps pointing fingers and accusing the other of cheating or lying, even without any evidence. They’re on a never-ending witch hunt, and it just messes everything up! That constant suspicion kills trust and causes unnecessary drama and distance. No one needs that negativity in their lives, right?
  1. “Chronic people-pleaser”. Picture this: one partner is always bending over backward to please the other, putting their own needs in the background. They become total self-neglectors! That’s a recipe for disaster. Resentment and unhappiness start creeping in because they’re not taking care of themselves. Making your partner happy is great, but you should look after yourself too!
  1. “Commitment phobe”: There’s this type of person who’s in this amazing, loving relationship, everything seems great, but suddenly they start freaking out as things get serious. They pick fights, find excuses to bail out, all because they’re scared of being vulnerable in a committed relationship. It seems like a self-sabotaging relationships meme!

 🙅‍♂️ Self-Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships: Main 8 Reasons

Are you asking: “What causes self-sabotaging behavior in relationships?” There are certain levers in our brain that can sometimes prevent us from building relationships. Let’s break them down one by one!

🚪 Fear of vulnerability

Opening up our hearts and being vulnerable can be scary, like stepping into the unknown. So, we might put up walls to protect ourselves, but these barriers can keep love from blossoming. So, you should embrace vulnerability as a strength. When we let our guard down and show our true selves, that’s when the magic happens.

💔 Fear of getting hurt

Oh, the fear of heartbreak! We’ve all been there, attempting to protect ourselves from harm. And occasionally, believing we’re being clever, we wind up self-sabotaging in order to prevent that possible suffering. Sure, every relationship involves hazards, and it’s natural to be wary. But, hey, we can’t let fear keep us back forever! Life’s about taking chances, and love is no exception. So, try to gather your courage and take that leap, and who knows, you might find yourself in the most fabulous love story ever. 

🚫 Self-doubt and insecurities

Those pesky little self-doubts and insecurities can creep in and cast a shadow on our relationships. We might question whether we’re good enough or deserving of love. But you are amazing and deserving of all the love in the world! Forget about low self-esteem sabotaging relationships!

🕳️ Fear of losing independence

Do you know that worrying about being in a relationship means giving up our personal space and identity? Yeah, it’s a real concern, and it can sometimes lead to self-sabotaging behavior relationships. But you don’t have to lose who you are just because you’re in a relationship! Embrace the idea that love can coexist with your independence. You can be with someone special while still being true to yourself.

💔 Patterns from the past

Let’s talk about those experiences that can sometimes mess with our present. You know how they leave a mark on our hearts and influence how we act now? But, it’s time to recognize them and break free from their hold. You deserve to feel love and connection without having to worry about past hurts getting in the way. Take a minute to think about those events, understand how they shaped you, and then make the decision to let go of that fear. 

🏆 Imposter syndrome in love

It’s that voice that whispers, “You’re not good enough for them.” But hold up! We’re here to remind you that you are, without a doubt, deserving of all the love and affection in the world! Seriously, you’re astonishing, and your partner is aware of it. Don’t forget that your lover is fortunate to have you!

⏰ Timing woes

Timing is everything! Relationships can be like a dance, and sometimes the steps don’t sync up right away. Perhaps you are not fully prepared for such a significant commitment, or your partner might still be finding themselves. However, it’s crucial not to let the perfect moment pass you by. If you genuinely feel a connection with a man or woman, don’t hesitate to embrace it. Take things at a pace that feels right for you while also remaining open, to opportunities.

⚖️ Fear of unequal effort

Balancing efforts in a relationship can be challenging. We might self-sabotage when we feel like we’re putting in more effort than our partner, or vice versa. Communication is the key to finding that sweet spot where both partners feel loved and valued.

📌 Give a look at two more quotes about self sabotaging relationships:

  • “The quickest path to self-destruction is to push away the people you love.” —Cassia Leo
  • “A fear of abandonment is really a fear of intimacy and connection.” —Annie Tanasugarn
self sabotaging relationships

🚫 How to Stop Self Sabotaging Relationships: Best 10 Tips

Not everything is lost! Here are the best seven tips on how to stop self-sabotaging relationships and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships! Start following these tips and watch your life become brighter and more colorful.

📝 Get to know yourself

Take a moment to pause and engage in introspection. Understand your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors within your relationships. Delve into the depths of your being. Uncover the factors that drive you! Explore any fears, insecurities, or recurring patterns from your past that may be hidden in the shadows. By shedding light on these aspects, you will become more adept at recognizing and overcoming any troubles.

🛑 Recognize the red flags

Self-sabotaging behaviors often come with their own set of red flags. Are you pulling away when things get serious? Are you avoiding important conversations? Recognize these signs and catch yourself before they take over. In this way, you can avoid self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships.

💬 Speak your heart

Lay it all out there—your feelings, your fears, your dreams, everything! Of course, it’s not always easy to share the vulnerable parts of ourselves, but believe us, it’s worth it. When you open up like that, it’s like you’re inviting your partner into the inner circle of your heart. So don’t be afraid to bare your soul. Be real, be honest, and watch how your connection deepens like never before.

🧘‍♀️ Self-love

Remember: You deserve all the love in the world, including major self-love! Treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and mad respect. Just try to start this self-love, you will become a magnet for all wonderful things, including big love! It’s almost as if you’re saying, “Yes, world, I’m worth it, and I’m not going to settle for anything less!”

🌿 Practice mindfulness

You know that feeling when you’re really into something, fully focused, and nothing else distracts you? That’s where your mindfulness starts! So, next time you feel like you might be heading down the self-sabotage road, pause, take a breath, and check in with yourself. Ask, “Hey, what’s going on here? Am I letting fear or past hurts mess with my happiness?”.

🚪 Embrace healthy boundaries

Boundaries serve as guidelines that ensure everyone is on the same wavelength. By establishing boundaries, you demonstrate your self-worth while also honoring your partner’s needs. Remember, it’s an exchange! Don’t hesitate to express yourself and establish boundaries. It’s not about being rigid or uncompromising; it’s about discovering that balance where both individuals feel at ease and cherished.

📆 Take it one step at a time

Rome wasn’t built in a day! So, take a chill pill and let things unfold naturally. There’s no rush to get everything perfect right away. Just like building an epic city, building a strong relationship takes time and effort. Don’t stress if things aren’t moving lightning fast. Remember, it’s okay to take things one step at a time.

🗝️ Unlock past baggage

We all carry some emotional baggage from our past, and if we allow it, it can disrupt our present. However, once you begin to let go of old hurts, you make room in your heart for charming things: love, happiness, and new opportunities! Facing those old ghosts isn’t always easy, but it’s always worthwhile.

🚀 Leap into vulnerability

Don’t be afraid to show your true self to people who matter to avoid self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. Let your guard down a little, share your feelings, your fears, and your dreams. You’ll be amazed at the beautiful connections that bloom when you embrace vulnerability.

🙌 Seek Support

And the last thing on the topic “how to stop self-sabotaging in relationships”. You don’t have to wait around for a miracle. There’s help out there! Talk to your friends and parents; they may have some wonderful advice for you. If things become too stressful, don’t be afraid to seek professional assistance. Remember, you don’t have to do it all by yourself. 

📌 We recommend you to listen to some songs about self sabotaging relationships:

  • Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart – Alicia Keys
  • Peace – Taylor Swift
  • Self-control – Frank Ocean


We all face self-defeating behaviors in some form or another. Being mindful of these patterns gives us the strength to overcome them. Love is like a dance. And it’s not a problem to occasionally step on each other’s toes. It’s our experience. What truly counts is our ability to grow, learn, and love with a heart. Let’s take this understanding and focus on nurturing connections with the people who matter to us. Stop self-sabotaging relationships and waltz into a love story filled with real connections, trust, and happiness.


1. Am I just self-sabotaging my relationship?

It’s totally normal to have doubts and face challenges in relationships. But it’s better for you to be lenient and understanding. Take some time to reflect on things and talk openly with your loved one. Doing that can really increase your feelings and make your relationship healthier.

2. How to love someone who self sabotages?

We know it’s not easy loving someone who self-sabotages, but you’re a great friend for being there for them. Just keep showing empathy, patience, and support; it means a lot. If you think they could use some extra help, gently suggest seeking professional support. It can really make a positive difference for both of you.

3. Why do I keep self-sabotaging relationships?

You know, relationships can get pretty tricky sometimes. I mean, when stuff starts going south, it’s often because of baggage we’re carrying from our past or emotions we’ve been trying to avoid dealing with.

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